Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
