so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
