you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
