I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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