I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize