I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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