eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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