is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
