what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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