So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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