Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
