She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
