he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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