Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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