I was born with a shot glass in my hand
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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