You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
