Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
