I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
