Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I touched a dick in church today
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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