How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
