When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have aggressive nipples.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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