you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
