Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
