I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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