I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
