Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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