accomplished twins. life is a go
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
