The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
