it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
