I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
