no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
