Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
