Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
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