were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I had to cum in my sink.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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