My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
