so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
ttyl tear gas
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize