i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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