I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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