My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
