cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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