@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
