her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
