I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
