"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
