That's intense
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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