I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
