Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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