Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
