my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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