Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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