Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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