today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize