I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
