do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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